Ready or not...

What am I going to do?

I can't get motivated. I'm lazy. I'm depressed. I'm unhealthy. I say I care, but if that was true, I would do something about it. It's time I start saying what I am going to do and doing what I say. I'm twenty years old. I found a boy whom I am undeniably head over heels in love with. I've started thinking about the what if's, future wise. One day, I will be married to someone. We'll have a house, a car, a dog, and maybe a kid or two. We'll have bills to pay, mouths to feed, places to go, a car to get there... I'll have a career, hopefully, that will make a nice portion of the income. But it's not definite. Like everything else in the world, you don't know what's going to happen until it happens. And even then, it could change it's mind at any time without warning. Hopefully, I will be a wedding planner. Help people prepare for their most memorable day. It's not a demanding job though, so it makes me nervous. But there is a good chance I can be a stay at home mom if needed.

I guess I'm just not completely sure what I want to come out of my life. I have a bunch of little things, but I can't say I'm 'sure' because it's scary to commit to dreams that have a 50/50 chance of coming true. And that's pushing it. That's being a dreamer and saying there is always a 50/50 chance. I know that's not true though. It's maybe a 20/80 when you factor in all of the details.

Sigh. I don't know. I'm ready to grow up, but I'm not ready to grow old.
I'm not sure I'm ready for this semester.
For this week.
Even tomorrow.