I googled "The perfect boyfriend"
Here's what I got.

give her one of your t-shirts to sleep in
leave her cute text notes
kiss her in front of your friends
tell her she's gorgeous
look her in the eyes when you talk to her
let her mess with your hair
touch her hair
just walk around with her
forgive her for her mistakes
look at her like she's the only thing you see
tickle her even when she says stop
hold her hand around friends
when she gets mad at you, tell her you love her
let her fall asleep in your arms
tease her and let her tease you back
stay up all night with her when she's sick
watch her favorite movie with her
kiss her forehead
give her the world
write her letters
let her wear your clothes
let her hang out with you when she's sad
let her know she's important
let her take all of the pictures she wants
kiss her in the rain
kill bugs
clean up the house sometimes
massages
talk to her and really listen



there's many more.
I just did this so you could see that you are the perfect boyfriend.
Even to everyone else.
Sometimes, I may get a little too 'you're mine', but can you see why?
You're amazing.
And you are mine.
And I love it.
I love you.

Ready or not...

What am I going to do?

I can't get motivated. I'm lazy. I'm depressed. I'm unhealthy. I say I care, but if that was true, I would do something about it. It's time I start saying what I am going to do and doing what I say. I'm twenty years old. I found a boy whom I am undeniably head over heels in love with. I've started thinking about the what if's, future wise. One day, I will be married to someone. We'll have a house, a car, a dog, and maybe a kid or two. We'll have bills to pay, mouths to feed, places to go, a car to get there... I'll have a career, hopefully, that will make a nice portion of the income. But it's not definite. Like everything else in the world, you don't know what's going to happen until it happens. And even then, it could change it's mind at any time without warning. Hopefully, I will be a wedding planner. Help people prepare for their most memorable day. It's not a demanding job though, so it makes me nervous. But there is a good chance I can be a stay at home mom if needed.

I guess I'm just not completely sure what I want to come out of my life. I have a bunch of little things, but I can't say I'm 'sure' because it's scary to commit to dreams that have a 50/50 chance of coming true. And that's pushing it. That's being a dreamer and saying there is always a 50/50 chance. I know that's not true though. It's maybe a 20/80 when you factor in all of the details.

Sigh. I don't know. I'm ready to grow up, but I'm not ready to grow old.
I'm not sure I'm ready for this semester.
For this week.
Even tomorrow.

Going to work. 3:57am. Snowing. That kind of snow that only exists within a long triangle beneath each street light. The kind that only gets everything cold and wet like you're living inside of a dog's nose. If you pause, you can hear it hit the ground softly. It's there. Even in the dark. It haunts your hair and outer layers with a dampness and leaves your shoes unhappy as they give you away across the tiled floors of the computer lab. I sign in. Time to work.