Dear God-

Hey. So it's been awhile. And I think we need to talk. I'm not perfect, and I think it's getting worse. I feel like a disease and I can't take it anymore. I feel like I can't be around anything, or anyone. It's almost like the opposite of a disease. Because it's the things around me that seem contagious. I don't have all the right friends, and I let them rub off on me. When someone tells me I'm not good enough, I listen. When I read or hear about anyone in hollywood, I start to evaluate myself. I listen to everything around me. Everything except you. Does this mean you're not around me anymore? I feel like that's what's happening. I've accumulated so much, and it's all in the way of us. The more I rely on down here, the less weight I need to put on you.

What happened to us?

How do I get you back?

I think your the perfect DB. But why is it, that I can sit here and say I believe in you, I believe that you are my everything, I can admit that you should be my everything, but I can't bring myself to do anything about it? I feel like I know the steps. I've heard them in school for 12+ years. But hearing about you, and experiencing you are way too different. So what do I do now? Dad, I feel like a terrible person. I want to ask "Why on earth did you die for me?" But then I realize, that's the answer. You died for me because of this earth. Because I fell to sin and you gave me a way out. Because you love me. I don't have to be perfect for you to love me. Yeah, that's pretty cool, but it makes me feel like crap. Why do you love people like me? I guess that's not an answer I'll ever understand. *sigh*

Well. Thanks. Thanks for still loving me. I need to say that more often, I know. I will promise to try. But I think I need your help with some things right now. Naturally, I need help with everything. However, there are some things happening in the near future that I'm completely unsure of. And I need to know I can cry on your shoulder. I really hate that it takes intensity to remember you. I will try to work on that. I really want to. But maybe this is what I need. I need to go through the fire sometimes to remember you. Thanks for the bad days. Most of all, thanks for not leaving my side through them. No matter what.

Thanks for fighting for me.

I'm done fighting for myself.

I don't even know who I am anymore.

I want to know you.

You are much more interesting.

Love,

Christina.