It has been ages since I wrote last. I will be writing again soon...though I have a second blog I use more.

Sorry I have been cheating on you guys.

August 24, 2010

I start work in 6 days. I cannot wait! It will get me out of the house…which God and everyone knows that is what I need the most right now. Today is an errands and writing day. I already bought what I can find uniform-wise and left the letter I need to mail at home somewhere on my floor. Well…looks like there is only one thing left. Café time.

I park in a spot just two spaces away from the door of Starbucks. Surprisingly enough, the only spots open are the handful right by the entrance. That’s nice. I like to be able to see my car. Not that anyone would break in. There is nothing but a few paintings I’m trying to sell and a large, metal, easel that no one can steal quietly. I try to slip in without the barista’s noticing, so that I’m not forced to buy a drink while I loiter. No avail. The place is empty. Darn. All well…an excuse to spend my money on coffee. Bad. I know.

“Tall Mocha Frappucino please?” I ask (inside I am reluctant. But outside, I’m average. A girl who looks about 16-blue jeans, t-shirt, bracelets, hair up, glasses…I’m actually 20. And have a bright future ahead of me despite what people might think. Whatever. Their loss.)

“Sure! One tall Mocha Frappuccino coming right up!” God. They are always so overly-happy. Too bad I’ll have to do that in 6 days. I’ll be working at Starbucks, too. Not this one. The one in the mall. You know, the one filled with pint-size, spineless, brainless, black-baggy-clothes-wearing pre-teens who have nothing better to do than skip school and go to the mall? Yes. I will be overly enthusiastic each and every day because that is how desperate I am for money. Not really ‘desperate’. This is actually a dream (for now) job for me. I would love to own my own coffee shop one day. The thing about Starbucks is…it is very commercial. For commercial though, it’s not half bad. I mean, you can loiter and be loud or quiet or weird or anything and they won’t kick you out or ask you too many questions. They do tend to gossip once you leave, but then again, who doesn’t anymore?

I move to the little counter on the left to wait for my drink. I look around at all of the cute over-priced coffee accessories. It’s like a girls clothing shop…but for coffee. Accessories, varieties, brand names, everything!

“Here’s your coffee sweetie!” I turn around to see the blonde barista smiling so big it looks like her face is about to shift downward from the weight of it.

“Yeah. Thanks.” I talk quietly. If they think I’m shy, they don’t try any small talk on me. Today, I’m not in the mood for small talk. I’m I the mood to be. Just be.

I take a seat at the larger of the tables in the small establishment. I need to fit all three of my notebooks, my laptop, and my oversized purse on top. I usually sit by the window when I’m out, but the way they build their chains, it’s always full of windows. Very close to pure, natural light on a day like this. It’s not incredibly bright, but the sun is just behind a thin blanket of clouds. So it’s a nice, soft light. I sit at a table by the one wall that does not have a window. I can see all but one of the seating areas, including outside. A few people come in while I sit there. Maybe four or five. By the topics of small-talk between the customers and the baristas, at least three of the incomers were regulars. I have a terrible memory. I’m worried I won’t be able to remember the regulars when I work here…That’s not acceptable here at Starbucks. Damn. I’ll play memory with my sister when I get home.

I don’t look too closely at anyone passing. They all seem to be in the in-out mood. Get in, get what you want, get out and go about your business. Then there came the girl in the summer-friendly dress. It’s modern and in small floral print. She’s not really a girl. She’s a woman. But I hate that word. So I say (and think) ‘girl’. She scanned the tables outside, realizing there was no one of interest (well, no one at all, actually) and continued inside. Again, she scanned the premises. No one of interest. Just me. She was tall, older. Maybe 37? Blond hair with obvious dye and re-dye in the past, but natural looking. It held age, but not gray. It was down, with sunglasses pushed up on her head. No bangs. She had laugh lines around her face. A lot of them. But mixed in were marks of hardships. Tears. Heartaches. She’d lived a good life. With mistakes. Natural. She was graceful for her age. Not like a dancer, but not like a klutz…then again, anyone seems graceful compared to me. No. She wasn’t a klutz at all. Her grace wasn’t antecedent. It was from the inside. An art form, perhaps. Subconscious, of course. She seemed to hold insecurities. But again. She’s not the only one.

The girl in the summer-friendly dress ordered a hot tea and sat by the window at the seat furthest from the door. She faced outward, toward the middle of the store. She brought a newspaper with her, and a pen. Obvious preparation for an early arrival. She sat and did the weekly puzzles, looking up nonchalantly every few minutes. Waiting for someone.

About 10 minutes after she had gotten comfortable with her newspaper escape, he came in. White collared shirt freshly pulled from the dryer. Not ironed, but not wrinkled. Dark denim shorts paired with white Nike shoes and either no-show socks or no socks at all. Dark, almost black hair. Dyed. Grays coming through silently here and there. Not a lot of gel. It had the potential to be a mess, since it wasn’t incredibly short, but it was neat and all fell into the right places. He had a receding hair line. Sunglasses hid his face just enough to not allow guessing of his age to the exact year. Perhaps early-mid forties? Maybe later thirties…His back turned to me. He knew exactly where he was going.

She hesitated, then stood. She’s had seen his picture before. Online dating? I don’t know. There was a familiarity between them, yet there was no doubt that this was their first face-face meeting. They shook hands and said hello. He quickly broke the awkward bubble and went to grab a drink.

She sat back down. Just as awkward as when she stood. Nervous. No doubt about it. He came back with a lemonade. Playing it safe. Coffee might be too risky. If she doesn’t like coffee, then she won’t kiss him later if he drinks it. He seemed confident on the outside. But subtle hints told me he was nervous, too.

“What would you like to do? Sit in here? Go outside? We cold drive around?” He asked, excitedly. I think he noticed how beautiful she was. Her laugh lines. Her grace. He didn’t goggle at her, but nerves rang in his voice now, as if it hit finally hit him-meeting a woman he’s been waiting to meet…finally. She stood up and they went to sit outside, where it was warmer. The sun wasn’t full force still, so it was nice out. Inside, I felt like a frozen dinner. I waited five minutes before going outside too. I couldn’t take the cold anymore and I wanted to see how it was going. Yeah, so I eavesdrop. I’m human. A very curious human.

They were talking about school and work experience. He graduated with a major in law I assume. They were talking about him working for a law firm. She graduated with a degree in Chemistry and worked for Lilly until she got very sick. By the sounds of it, she was just now trying to pull her life back together.

They started talking about amusement parks and hobbies. Random. Definitely a first date. And definitely from an online dating site.

Suddenly, my nose wrinkled and my chest tightened. Ugh. Some guy had sat down behind me and started smoking. I quickly grabbed my things and headed towards my car. I found my keys in my huge purse quicker than normal and unlocked my car. I was again glad that I had parked so close. I threw my stuff into my passenger seat and started the engine. Despite the fact the sun wasn’t blazing, my car was incredibly hot. No air-conditioning for the broke college kid. Automatic windows became my new best friend during the summer.

The last thing I hear as I drive away is her laughing loudly at one of his (corny, I’m sure) jokes.

I really hope they work out.

so today, I found myself writing out a sentence on notebook paper and I wasn't sure how to spell a word. I literally waited for the red squiggly line to appear...

I googled "The perfect boyfriend"
Here's what I got.

give her one of your t-shirts to sleep in
leave her cute text notes
kiss her in front of your friends
tell her she's gorgeous
look her in the eyes when you talk to her
let her mess with your hair
touch her hair
just walk around with her
forgive her for her mistakes
look at her like she's the only thing you see
tickle her even when she says stop
hold her hand around friends
when she gets mad at you, tell her you love her
let her fall asleep in your arms
tease her and let her tease you back
stay up all night with her when she's sick
watch her favorite movie with her
kiss her forehead
give her the world
write her letters
let her wear your clothes
let her hang out with you when she's sad
let her know she's important
let her take all of the pictures she wants
kiss her in the rain
kill bugs
clean up the house sometimes
massages
talk to her and really listen



there's many more.
I just did this so you could see that you are the perfect boyfriend.
Even to everyone else.
Sometimes, I may get a little too 'you're mine', but can you see why?
You're amazing.
And you are mine.
And I love it.
I love you.

Ready or not...

What am I going to do?

I can't get motivated. I'm lazy. I'm depressed. I'm unhealthy. I say I care, but if that was true, I would do something about it. It's time I start saying what I am going to do and doing what I say. I'm twenty years old. I found a boy whom I am undeniably head over heels in love with. I've started thinking about the what if's, future wise. One day, I will be married to someone. We'll have a house, a car, a dog, and maybe a kid or two. We'll have bills to pay, mouths to feed, places to go, a car to get there... I'll have a career, hopefully, that will make a nice portion of the income. But it's not definite. Like everything else in the world, you don't know what's going to happen until it happens. And even then, it could change it's mind at any time without warning. Hopefully, I will be a wedding planner. Help people prepare for their most memorable day. It's not a demanding job though, so it makes me nervous. But there is a good chance I can be a stay at home mom if needed.

I guess I'm just not completely sure what I want to come out of my life. I have a bunch of little things, but I can't say I'm 'sure' because it's scary to commit to dreams that have a 50/50 chance of coming true. And that's pushing it. That's being a dreamer and saying there is always a 50/50 chance. I know that's not true though. It's maybe a 20/80 when you factor in all of the details.

Sigh. I don't know. I'm ready to grow up, but I'm not ready to grow old.
I'm not sure I'm ready for this semester.
For this week.
Even tomorrow.

Going to work. 3:57am. Snowing. That kind of snow that only exists within a long triangle beneath each street light. The kind that only gets everything cold and wet like you're living inside of a dog's nose. If you pause, you can hear it hit the ground softly. It's there. Even in the dark. It haunts your hair and outer layers with a dampness and leaves your shoes unhappy as they give you away across the tiled floors of the computer lab. I sign in. Time to work.

A [future] Day in the Life of Me.

show and Tell
put labels on storage boxes and bags
sing with them
keep as organized as possible
make lists
play with their toys
face paint
finger paint
frame their drawings for the walls
hug them all the time
dance with them
let them help with dinner
go on family vacations
(even if it's only a weekend)
record quotes and favorite memories of them
keep hand sanitizer and fun soap around
start them early on picking up their toys
lead by example
get a dog
play outside
build a blanket fort in their room with them
sleep in it with them
have family game nights
have cinema nights at home
get a playful (declawed) cat
find a babysitter and have date nights with my husband
let them help with dishes
take them to the library often
write them notes for the future
go to the playground
go on walks with them and the dog
keep super soft blankets around
open windows in the summer
jump on the bed when daddy's not home
roller skate and bike ride
play-do
candid, fun pictures for holiday cards
take pictures of what they do wrong so you can laugh later
don't get mad if they don't smile nicely for the camera
scavenger hunts
chocolate chip pancakes
cute Halloween costumes
baseball games
zoo
go on hikes
go camping
fly a kite
random acts of kindness
roadtrip
paint and sculpt things; invite family friends over for an art show
have lots and lots of books
have a hammock
do yardwork together
go to the fire station
play dress up
color
design clothes for teddy bears
play with shaving cream spread on a table
sidewalk chalk
picnic in the backyard
picnic at the park
lemonade stand
cardboard plyhouse
do puzzles
bake
nap
go out and take pictures around the city
puppet theater
pbc pipes and marbles
paint flower pots
go thrift shopping
make felt people and objects for a felt board
color over things with crayons to see texture
decorate dollar store picture frames
chalkboard paint a wall
lots of floor-seating
huge aquarium
have a comfortable bed
most efficient washer and dryer

A Peace To Think About.

Blessed are the peacemakers for they
will be called sons of God. -Matthew 5:9

*When God said 'blessed are the peacemakers"
he raised his expectation for humanity.

*I am called to be a peacemaker.
Not just any kind of peace. His kind.

* If I have any chance at being a peacemaker,
I have to know peace when I see it.
Not just when I don't see it.


Turner, Matthew Paul Relearning Jesus pg. 17-26

Pinwheel.

The hum of the machines strangles the silence while the strange clock glows a red 00:32;
as if it's counting down rather than up.
He sits to my left,
next to the machine with the lines that give me away;
they stretch and sway with my breath.
In one hand rests his head.
Eyes heavy.
Face pale.
His other is holding mine,
enduring the pressure I apply every few minutes.
My right arm is stretched out
avoiding any contact that might remind me what's currently leaking into my veins.
When I remember, I become oddly aware of the drips behind me where I cannot look.
I take a deep breath.
He looks at me with eyes of helplessness.
I try and mimic the expression I see in my head,
but I am sure I come across just as scared as I really am.
Footsteps close in on the cold, blank room.
The curtain that separates us from the world shivers,
but doesn't open.
The footsteps fade.
I want to go home.

Good Morning

Someone sat two tables down, facing my direction. I didn't look up to see who it was at first. Chances of it being someone I know were slim to none; firstly, because it's early and my friends aren't morning people. Secondly, I don't know too many people who live on the side of campus I was currently on. I continued looking out the window at these strange fish-statues (I think they were supposed to spit water into a pond. Ironic.) when the reflection of that person caught my eye. His head was bowed and his hands were folded. His breakfast lay untouched in front of him. He stayed like this for a short while before sitting up and going on about his morning. He was praying. My heart gave a little jerk as I realized the reason I woke up so early.

It was 7:30 am and I was wide awake. No good reason, either (I thought). I fell asleep only 4 hours prior so I lay there for quite some time trying to make myself tired again-like every other college student who didn't have classes until 9:30. After a good half an hour, I gave up, sighed, and hopped up to get ready. I usually eat a pop-tart for breakfast in my first hour class, but I had time, so I biked to Woodworth and had some biscuits and gravy (which were amazing, I must say!). That's when I figured it out.

The thought didn't cross my mind to pray. In fact, I couldn't remember the last time I prayed before a meal, especially alone. Sadly, I couldn't remember the last time I prayed, period. This kid took less than a minute of his day to say a few sentences. For all I know, he could have said "Good morning." and that's it. But he talked to him nonetheless.

I felt bad. God had to use food to bribe me, just so I could be reminded that He's still there. Darnit! It's so hard to keep up on everything- I don't mean to put Him last. I once heard someone say "He wants to be number one on a list of one."

My list needs some adjustments.



I am working on a project, right now, with an indefinite date of completion. Whenever I see someone doing an act of kindness, or a simple act of faith, when they don't think anyone's watching, I write their story on a small square paper. I then fold it into a paper crane, keeping the story inside. I don't know who's crane is whose, nor will I remember everyone in the end-when I have 1,000. But it serves as a reminder that there are amazing people everywhere. It takes a few seconds to catch someone doing something good, but the affect lasts for such a long time.

What is REAL?

...asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender, before Nana came to tidy the room. "Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-our handle?"
"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real."
"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.
"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are Real you don't mind being hurt."
"Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?"
"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't often happen to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, but the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop you and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except by people who don't understand."

-taken from The Velveteen Rabbit by Margery Williams

What is real to you?

Be brave. Take risks. Nothing can substitute experience.

-Paulo Coelho

Which lessons in life are must-learn? Which are the biggest? I've heard love, friendships, and family are pretty important things. I agree, however, I don't think the biggest lessons have anything to do with the common uses of the above words.

Let's start with love. Well, for all of eternity humankind has tried to define this word. In fact, I typed "How many definitions of love are there?" in the Google search engine and in the first 10 of over 3 million results I found

A wikipedia entry.

Definitions for various cultures and types.

'The real definition of love' shows up three times, all linking to different definitions.

and various love is this, love is that.

Arg, what on earth!? So we haven't even come to at least a narrowed down definition of the understand of this word? After all these years? Exactly. Why? Because it's not just a word. I don't think today's "love" is very important to learn. Hell, I just looked it up and it gave me real love spells from some witchcraft book. Honestly now?

Proverbs 10:12 'Hatred stirs up dissension, but love covers over all wrongs.' So then, why is the use of today's 'love' wrong? That is impossible, if it were true love. Therefore, how many people walking God's green earth know true love? Not many. I say I don't believe in love. And that's the truth. I am referring to the love that is in the world. The love that does not cover up wrongs, but that is wrong. The love you see on magazine covers, hear in your radio, and see on bumper stickers. That kind is not real to me.

I think Love (with a big L) is an important 'life lesson'. But the real stuff. Not this 'I heart Joe Jonas' crap.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Friendships. Hmm, now this is a hard one. It also goes back to the society's portrayal of this word. I don't think we have messed this one up as bad as other things, but it's still not the way maybe it should be. I think people become friends with each other based on who they are supposed to be friends with. If you are a math 'nerd', then you should hang out with other math 'nerds' no matter how good you are at basketball, or whatever. I know it's not the same everywhere, but look at a high school. There are clicks everywhere! Very few people dabble in each of them for the simple fact your just not supposed to. It's the principle of common acceptance. Normality. Society.

Proverbs 27:17 "As irons sharpen iron, so as man sharpens man". A friendship is a relationship entered by two people who become as close as they chose to be. I think the important lesson in friendship is to not to necessarily find persons who are like you and go for it, but to find someone that is good for you too. You are influence by the people around you. The most important lesson on friendship is to find a friend who will not drag you down. It's much deeper than finding a friend you can hang out with every weekend.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

That brings us to the last: Family. O boy. Now, this one is a little more understood by everyone. Not all family is blood family. Some people aren't as close to their parents as they are a friend. A family is a group of people sharing a deep connection and a solid bond. Whether that be physical, like blood, emotional, like past experiences and understanding, or spiritual, you can have as big a family as you want.

John 13:34-35 says "A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you are to also love one another. By this, all people will know you are my disciples, if you have love for one another." The connection of the family-relationship between us and God is love. It says people will recognize us as His disciples and his children by the love we share with him. Sometimes, we mistake family for being solely the people who are connected through blood, marriage or adoption. However, you cannot tell me a homeless person who becomes life-long friends with someone has no family.

Love, friendship, and family go hand in hand with one another. So grab a hand and keep going. Life isn't over yet.

Today, I dusted off my Bible.

1 John 3:18-20 "Dear Children, let us not love with word or tongue but with actions and in truth. This then is how we know that we belong to the truth, and how we set out hearts at rest in his presence whenever our hearts condemn us. For God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything."

This verse made me so incredible happy and relieved! "For God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything." Freaking sweet! That's what that is.


It's so hard to figure out what to do next. You have decisions upon decisions upon decisions. Some are quite small and some are rather unsettling with their size. But it tells us God is greater than our hearts. Even if we mess up, even if we end up doing something wrong, it says we can be at rest. I'm game with that! I mean yeah, it's not saying do what you want and don't worry about being punished...that's definitely the sad and all-to-wrong man's translation. But it's saying that we are human; when our hearts remind us we are wrong, listen to them but be at rest knowing it's a reminder, it's not condemning us to hell.

Do not love with word or tongue but with actions and in truth. I like that. To me, it goes back the ever so popular "I love you" phrase that we humans enjoy passing around as if it's a good wine. Stop worrying about being able to proclaim love! True love will be known through what you do because of it! A little earlier in verse 16 it says "This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us." Dude. That is love in every sense of the word. That blows our Webster definitions out of the water! God sent his Son for us!

I was given the awesome opportunity to spend the weekend with a group from OAFC (Ongoing Ambassadors For Christ). Saturday, I joined them while they went canvasing through the neighborhood surrounding Emmaus. We went door-to-door asking people to share their knowledge of Jesus. It was really neat to see so many people in this neighborhood who knew of him! However, it opened my eyes when I learned that a vast majority had not even heard of Emmaus....which is the huge building right smack dab in the middle of their neighborhood. It reminded me of something else; I, a Christian, could have a cross necklace on, a Bible in hand, and be placed in a room full of people, but no one would notice me if I just stood there. I would have to reach out, talk to them, interact with them. In the same way a church must reach out and interact. A church is not an establishment! It's a people! And this verse really helps me understand that we can show all of these people love and share with them the good news, without yanking them into the church building.

This verse spoke to me on both a personal level and as a member of a suffering congregation. I was reminded of the old saying "If it looks like a ____, smells like a ____, then it is a ____." Haha. I see it a reminder to be a Christian all around. Not just someone who shows up in church but someone who needs to work on the whole picture.



What did you get out of this verse?

Who the heck am I ?!?

I can give you statements of things I like, things I've done, people I talk to, etc. But can I really tell you who I am?

Tracey Pike, an amazing speaker/teacher on purity and Christian sex education, had all of the attendants at her lecture during awestruck make a list. On a half sheet of paper were ten blank lines that we were told to write down some qualities we would desire in a spouse. After a few minutes she had a handful of people share some and then proceeded to tell us he or she is out there. There is a spouse out there, set aside for us by God, that has all ten qualities we are looking for. You know what? She's right. How awesome is that? God, the insanely awesome, indescribable Lord set aside a guy just for me. But then she said this. "Now that you know what you spouse, be that person." Holy poop.

Be that person?

What? Now wait a minute...you're telling me I'm supposed to come up with the description of a 'perfect' (for lack of a better term) person, and then be them? I guess that's only fair, but IMPOSSIBLE.

Then I realized this: God, the insanely awesome, indescribable Lord set me aside for someone else. That's pretty rad.

So yeah. I do have to be that person. And that will help me a lot. I want to be the girl that is wrapped up in God, a boy must seek God to find me. I've heard that quote before and I love it. I'm not very good at the wrapping-up-in-God part but I'm working on it. I'm relearning Jesus right now. [[check out Matthew Paul Turner's Relearning Jesus]]. I'm taking a step back, (actually a whole lot of steps back) and starting over.

I move into my dorm in 29 days. I will have to make new friends, take new classes, learn the ways of a new town, find a new church...new new new new new! Everything will be new. Why not me?

I'm starting over. God and I had a meeting and I think it was decided it's a good idea. I don't care so much who I am. My name is a name. I'm sure there are plenty of other Christina's out there.

It's more about what I am.

I am a Christian.
God's little girl and proud of it.
I am a college student who doesn't party.
A girl who doesn't put out.
I am a sister, a daughter, a friend, and a sinner.
I am forgiven.
I am new, every single day.
I am blessed.

What do you want your life to be like ten years from now?

We've all heard this question before. Or at least something similar. I did some research (i.e. I Googled) and found that many answers to this question involve 5 topics.


Marriage
Many of the answers I stumbled across say they wish to be married in ten years. Is this the case of more young people answering said question than old? Or is it the case of people already being divorced and wanting to re-marry? Granite some were already married and noted that by saying "with my spouse doing this or that". But over all, people want to be committed to someone.

Offspring
It cracks me up when people are so specific. "I want 3 kids. Two boys, one girl. They all must have blue eyes and dark hair. And they better come out playing the piccolo!" Or what? You will sell your child? Nah. Be a little more opened minded here people. It's great to know whether or not you want kids, but at the same time, realize that it's going to be what God thinks will work for you.

Career
Very similar to the age-old question "What do you want to be when you grow up?". They start asking you this in pre-school and they never stop. So, naturally, humans tend to think they must constantly be considering the options of what they could be doing.

Health
How much do you want to lose? 10 pounds? 20 pounds? 42 pounds? Because it seems as if everybody and their step-brother want to lose something. What is it with this diet craze that acts like a bug zapper to people? "O my God! Fat-free fat cake! It's okay to eat, I'll take it!" Really now? Haha just have throw in a handful of self-control and a few dashes of motivation and you're good to go.

Finances
O don't we all 'need' more money? Or at least that's what is generally thought. We don't need more money, we want it. Plain and simple. Now don't get me wrong, I know there are people who need help financially, but I'm speaking for the general public who shops at the local store and purchases more than necessary. Basically, everyone I know, including myself. I don't think it's wrong to buy yourself a puzzle or another pair of sunglasses or whatever. But far too many of us, myself included, spends all our income on things we really don't need. When we could spend it on things that will last us that ten years. Or save it. That's a thought!



Now before anyone's pants get too tight please realize I'm not bagging on anyone. In fact, I started to answer this question myself today. I covered all of the above topics. My initial thought was as follows:

It would be nice to be married. I would love to have a family someday, so maybe there will be some kids in the picture. I will need a steady job of course, but I don't know what yet. Maybe a wedding planner. A teacher? I don't know. And I would love to be in a decent house. I don't need anything fancy, but something I can grow in. I will need money for that though...etc.

However, after a few minutes of sorting through various possibilites in my mind, I realized that it was useless. Sure all of my answers were general, therefore are pretty achievable, but I don't think I have evaluated my present life enough to even think about the distant future. Where am I at with the topics right now? Some of them sound easy to answer; Children-well let's see...I'm 19 years old, going to school, work 15 hours a week, single...NO WAY! But I can't just think about now, just like I can't solely think about ten years from now. It's about the whole picture.

Marriage- It's definitely a possability one day. Right now, no. But I'll work on figuring out who I am; keep growing in Christ. Do a lot of praying. Continue to meet new people. I have plenty of time. I don't need to set myself to a time-line.

Offspring-Well, that comes along with marriage for me. If I get married, then it will be taken into consideration. For now, I'll just continue to learn what I can. I love being with kids, so I know if I do become a mom, I won't be at a total loss.

Carreer-I'm going off to Muncie for my second year of college in 41 days. I have no clue what I want to do with my life, so I don't have a major picked. I will be a second year freshman. I get to start over and explore. I have time to decide that. Until I do, I will just experience as much as I can.

Health-I'm young and average. I am active and am on my feet often. I think I'm okay for now. If I feel the need to lose or gain weight, I will. But as long as I make the right decisions, I'm good. I am going to try and avoid the freshman 15 though.

Finances-Zero. That's my bank account right now. I actually decided yesterday I need to start over. I am not good with money..at all. But looking at the facts-going to college in a month, having a semi-faulty car, etc. I realized I need to make some changes. I need to get today's money straight before I worry about tomorrows.

Those are just my thoughts. I don't really worry too much about ten years from now. I focus more on just getting there.

What do you want your life to be like ten years from now?

Tonight is your night

You’re the quiet one
Waiting in the shadows
For the next step in life
To take you away

Your smile is genuine
But your heart is heavy
You bend over backwards
Still you’re betrayed

But you need to know

This is your chance
This is your break
Turn up your mic girl
Take the stage

Tell them what you
Have on your mind
Look in your heart
Seek and you’ll find

Tonight is your night

Little do you know
You’re worth more than the penny
That you lay face up
For others to find

You are the reason,
Girl don’t you see
People like you
Remind us we’re blind

But you need to know

This is your chance
This is your break
Turn up your mic girl
Take the stage

Tell them what you
Have on your mind
Look in your heart
Seek and you’ll find

Tonight is your night

Dance.

Dance with yourself today.
See who leads.
See who steps on toes.

Figure yourself out, dear.
You're life isn't forever long.

Impact.

When reading the definition of inspire, I found it to be pretty accurate.
Some words are hard to define, but I think they summed this one up pretty well.
The first meaning of the word inspire is
to influence, move, or guide in a divine or supernatural way.
Okay, I'll take that. It totally makes sense. But then I read on and
BAM!
Number two hit home. To breathe or blow into or upon.
The first definition put words to the idea of inspiration.
The second put words to the actual act of being inspired.

When something truly inspires you, it starts from deep within.
It finds it's way to your heart, taking paths you don't always know exist.
It's like it is breathed into you. It becomes a temporary part of the
process of your being. It reaches the corners of your flesh and bounces
back, dragging with it fragments of past memories, ideas, visions, and dreams.
By the time it reaches your brain, it's nothing but a pile of shards.
A puzzle you are more than ready to put together. You add, subtract, crop,
and fold the pieces until it becomes a finished product. The reaction,
the answer, to the object that started it all.

Everyone's 'objects' are different. Some are inspired more by people;
what they do, say, or maybe just how they do or say it.
Others are inspired by meaning itself. Interpretation, their own or others.
And still others are inspired by anything and everything. It's an
unexplained sort of inspiration that leaves one with a constant tingly
feeling-the sensation when one's foot falls asleep,
but instead of their foot, it's their realistic mind.

The last one, the easily inspired type, is often referred to as a dreamer.
Someone who looks deep and beyond the surface of everyday life.
I believe it is these dreamers who have the most impact on the world.
After all, impact is just a fancy term for the result of inspiration.

People come together in some strange ways

Come together, right now, over me.
-The Beatles

-Clapping sequences:
(i.e. when you hear "everybody clap your hands' people automatically clap to that song)
-Sirens:
when everyone moves out of the way for emergency vehicles;
or when everyone goes outside and looks up when the tornado sirens go off.
-Red lights and stop signs:
when traffic lights go out, and all 4 sides are flashing red, people
tend to take turns like a typical 4-way stop. It always amazes me.
You meet so many people who break the rules on various things,
but when it comes down to it, people are pretty rad about being considerate.
-Voting:
A lot of people vote. Or they vote just to be against someone.
Either way, it's a fairly popular thing to do.
-Television:
M*A*S*H who's finale is the most watched television
show in the history of U.S. television-it had over 105 million viewers.

And a multitude of other ways:
Holidays
Church
Radio-you and some guy from a state over could be singing the same tune at the same time.
Blogs

And the list goes on.


I realized how seldom I talk to the people around me.
I think I'm going to start saying hello more often.

Happy Abnormality

Let me feel you carry you higher
Watch our words spread hope like fire
Secret crowds rise up and gather
Hear your voices sing back louder
-Secret Crowds; Angels & Airwaves

Someone called me 'abnormal' today when I told them I didn't have a boyfriend. And that I'm not looking for one.

At first, I was taken aback. I wanted to shout at him. Yell out that he was wrong.
But as he walked away, I realized he was right.
Very right.

Today, it isn't normal to not have a significant other, or want one (right now).
However, I think people get 'normal' and 'correct' mixed up.
Normal simply means it's common. Not necessarily right or wrong.

Here's some examples:

In the next twenty four hours, 2,795 Teenage girls will become pregnant.
In the U.S., we eat more than 1,000,000 animals an hour
Every 2 hours a youth is murdered.
McDonald's feeds more than 46 million people a day - more than the entire population of Spain.
8,000 teenagers contract an STD every day.

Okay, so the above things are common. Sadly.
Which means they are...normal. Sadly again.
That being in the sense of how it is defined in the dictionary.
It's not right, at all! But it's normal. It's day to day happenings.
As I said earlier, people mix the meaning up. They think 'normal' things
are right. Acceptable. Common. Okay. Good. Up the the standards.

I disagree with some of these.
If one person can say that the fact that a youth is murdered every 2 hours is acceptable...
then we need to talk.
Badly.

I don't know. That silly phrase this morning threw me off. I, like many others, saw
the definitions of normal meaning the same thing as 'correct'.
But after I thought about it, I realized he was right.
I am 'abnormal' in that department.
Who cares?
I'm happy.

She wants.

A boy who will sit by her side, hold her hand, and be okay with silence.
He'll lean in a kiss her when she least expects it.
He will call just to say he loves her.
Someone she can do simple things for and know that he appreciates it.
He'll return the favor.
They can drive together without music, talk about nothing, and be relaxed.
She can kick off her shoes and put her feet up in her seat like a little kid.
He will just hold her when she needs him.
She would stand on her tip toes and kiss him.
He would put his hands on her waist and pull her closer, feeling the smile on her lips.
He lets her keep his shirt.
He kisses her in front of his friends.
He calls her beautiful, not hot or sexy.
He lets her play with his hair.
He will get her mad, and then kiss her.
Lets her fall asleep in his arms.
He kisses her forehead.

It's strange how hard life can get in the blink of an eye. Yesterday I was sitting on the carpet with Jason and Jake missing recess because we couldn't stop laughing during devotion. Today, I'm sitting on my carpet alone, missing a party because I don't want to make stupid decisions with everyone else. There's always a partner in crime, but when you're on the other end, there is seldom anyone else to join you.

I'm not like most girls.

Sober. Permanently.

Virgin, on purpose, until marriage.

Christian.

Work-aholic.

Lead foot.

Not shy but not crazy.

Carnivore.

Reader.

Ambitious.

Says no to drugs.

Simple.

Just something I needed you to know.

How will you give something beautiful to the world?

You know...

You seem to know many of the answers to life's questions the very second
you start to live your own life.

Things to live by that are sure to make you happy!

It's a dog eat dog world. Be safe. Be a fish.

The great thing about a bad day is that it's only 24 hours long.

Scuff up your knees having a crawling race with the little ones.

Act like each person you meet will only meet you once.

Treat each person like it's their last day.

Dandelions are flowers.

Build a bear. Or a dog.

Meet new people doing something crazy.

Smile.

Text people sitting next to you. Across from you.
And in the next car on the interstate.

Make lists of future plans, reasons you are who you are,
and ideas that will make you millions of pennies one day.

Attach a dog to a leash, and the leash to your ankle. Run.

Call 911 when you see a crash.

Play Where's Waldo?

Mix up people's names.

Be honest.

Laugh until someone snorts. Then laugh harder.

Listen to new music.

Wish at 11:11. But take a picture of 9:12.

Out run a creeper.

Switch phones.

Take photo's.

Live.

One World, One Love.

...What's your aim?

Psst!

     ...miss you.

8 seconds

In the 8 seconds it took him to cross the room, I saw it all. Whatever pride he may have established, whatever feats he overcame, whatever other hurts he had met, none of it mattered, nor compared to the emotion he experienced now. The heartache of losing something close to him. The heartache of losing a best friend. I didn't say anything. I didn't know what to say. What do you tell someone who is completely broken? Not to mention I didn't even know his name. But his emotion was so real, it sort of bonded those around him. As if we were supporting him in some strange, and distant group-hug sort of way. Raw emotion is something no one can explain, but everyone understands. It's a language anyone can both speak and interpret. I felt like I should shout out to him. Maybe jump up and give him the biggest hug I have ever given. Write him a letter. That sounds silly, but I just couldn't think of how to match the power he was wearing on his sleeve. So I sat in my plastic waiting room chair watching him make his way over the tiles. Like everyone else, I stared. For 8 seconds, we were all one. We were all very real parts of the circle of life. And then, he left. Leaving each of us to ponder ourselves silently in accord to our personal beliefs and morals. In our plastic waiting-room chairs, we looked at life and death in the same hand.

What it's all about.

It's about teaching them the things that matter, when they matter.

Talking to them about Jesus and saying prayers with them from day one.

Singing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, The ABC's, and the Itsy Bitsy Spider and pretending to enjoy it.

Every single time.

It's about reading stories before bedtime.

Allowing them to paint and draw and use too much glue without getting nervous about your carpet.

Showing them the outdoors and God's creation so they learn to respect and love it for themselves.

Going on camping trips and picnics from the early years.

All the way to the years when it's embarrassing to admit.

It's about traveling and showing them how big our world is.

Putting them on sports teams, in Scouts, or classes to learn an instrument or two.

Finding crayon-drawings on the walls, and not getting too mad.

Hanging pictures and papers on the fridge and framing their artwork for the halls.

It's about going to the park and getting sticky hands from melting ice cream.

Having a play-do budget for when they mix the colors or leave it out.

Getting bubble gum out of hair and grass stains out of jeans.

Buying new clothes and shoes during growth spurts.

It's about fun family portraits and cute wallet pictures.

Letting them help make dinner, despite the extra hour it takes.

Sitting down and eating it together.

It's about giving them big boxes and seeing what they create out of it.

Picking out birthday party themes.

Listening to music with the windows open on a nice day.

Taking too many pictures of them in their too-many outfits.

It's about giving them a pet to teach responsibility.

Letting them play in the sprinkler.

Eating popsicles outside, so they don't drip in the kitchen.

Cutting the crust off their sandwiches.

It's about leaving them notes of encouragement for a hard day.

Hugging and kissing them goodbye.

Dressing them in hoodies, jeans, and chucks.

Not getting impatient when they need two baths a day.

It's about showing them all the love you have for them.

Sometimes regretting some of your actions or words.

Realizing they are growing up.

And crying.

Letting them go.

Dear you.

1. I hate you because I think I fell for you. And I don't want to. Because falling ends with scratches.

2. You're my best friend. I feel most comfortable around you. Thanks.

3. I can't believe it took us this long to start hanging out...after our parents begged us to meet....bahaha. good times.

4. I once said to myself "he'll never give me the time of day." and in the same day, you did. And I laughed. Hard.

5. I wrote a song for you! You'll hear it soon!

6. I'm glad our friendship didn't work out.

7. I still have some of your clothes, books, and cd's. It's not my fault you never came back for them.

8. I wish you would write to me.

9. I don't get you. But it's kinda fun to try.

10. You are the sweetest person I have ever met and you seem so happy. I pray that he proposes to you someday.

Love, me.

*think you're on here? let me know and I'll tell you the truth. Maybe.

I got accepted, I got accepted, I got accepted...

And yes, I danced.

I really want to scream. I think I might, when my throat stops hurting.

Today I gave out paper cranes to the people who passed me in the hospital and came up with the perfect 1,000 paper crane project for myself. I am adding my own spin to it and photography is involved; so all should be fun.

I feel really cruddy today. I thought I was getting better, but today I woke up worse than how I started! Arg. I am frustrated beyond belief. I am sick of being sick. Literally, I think. I wasn't feeling well during class today and I don't even remember the quiz...so I can't imagine I did well on it. It's almost Friday, and here I am doing nothing yet again. I want to, but I want to get better first. Or else it'll never go away.

I don't know. I just needed to rant. I'm having a hard time being optimistic with things right now. I'm working on it though.

I would kill for ice cream and I don't even know why. Because I have no appetite.

I'm sorry.

I'm just really upset. I was all excited that I was feeling better...and well, now I'm not. But it's almost the weekend. A full day of work, and then weekend time.

I gave up spending money on anything unnecessary for lent. Today, I bought a shirt from the hospital. It says the name of the hospital and I bought it as a sign for myself. Sort of "I'm buying this because I don't plan on ever coming back" sort of thing. It's more of a personal thing and I really am not counting that towards my what-not-to-buy. I do plan on sticking to my goal. I think it will help a lot with the whole conversing with God thing I've been neglecting to do.

Okay, I'm going to bed.

I just needed to get a few things out.

Thanks for reading.

By the way, if you have read all of this, could you like, write a comment? With at least your name. I had over 50 page views with my last post. I am just curious how that is even possible.

Night, kids.

This is pointless. If you read this, your either really bored, or my best friend. =)

I just have too much on my mind. I need somewhere to put the little stuff. It won't make sense. It's not poetic, nor does it have a hidden or deeper meaning. But it's a needed thing.

I organized my green thing today. Drawer one is my letter-drawer. I have my envelopes and cards in a converse box. I have a notebook of contacts/addresses. Underneath of it I have a folder of plain and lined paper. There's a small green box with regular stamps, postcard stamps, and index cards I've already finished. I also have my postcrossing book in there. I'm waiting on my five sent postcards to arrive at their destinations! ((postcrossing.com)). There is currently a postcard on it's way to Finland, Scotland, Taiwan, China, and Germany. I can't wait to get some as well. I think it will be cool. I love writing letters with simple messages. I rarely get mail outside of bills. Today I did get a 4 pound package from peta. Haha. I kept the stickers.

I want to make a small, wire, elephant.

Today, I bought some food! I'm pretty stoked. I needed things for lunches for work. I got hot dogs, easy mac, lunch meat, cheese, bread, string cheese, ramen noodles, minute rice, and something else. I can't remember what it is. I also bought a SoBe drink-Fruit Punch. It tastes like Fruitopia! I haven't had that in AGES. I loved Fruitopia. Anyone remember that stuff? I also thought about Rocket Power, and amazing nickelodeon show they need to bring back. My favorite character was Otto Rocket. Reggie was cool too though. I think I remember all their names.

I didn't color in my ninja turtle book today. I need more green crayons.

I found my glasses today, too. But not my jacket. I left it at waffle house and it was stolen. So I have no coat. Real great for someone who has Pleurisy, pneumonia, and an ear infection, right? I think so.

I have a calendar that I got for free from Half Price Books. I use it to write one good thing about each day-something short and simple. I went back through and read it just now and these are my favorites:

January 1st says "I colored on my wall"

January 3rd "I told my parents I'm not going to school"

January 4th: "I'm going to school"

January 18th: "napped"

January 26th: "It ended"

January 28th: "Created Blog"

February 1st: "Drove around and looked at rich people's houses"

February 2nd: "Nothing!"

February 6th: "I forget"

Just thought I'd share.

I also went through my pictures today and made a small album of 40 pictures that make me smile. I think I'll post some of them on here eventually.

Gwen and I are going to do a 1001journals project ((1001journals.com)). And we have lots of exciting ideas. We are thinkers, I think. We also are solving a mystery at the moment. And have the ultimate childcare planned out. And are now on a Youth Board. And we make awesome chair sculptures. And she bought me an elephant I named Rodney.

I did laundry today because no one else in my house knows how this week.

This is what I do when I'm stressed. I write down everything I have done, need to do, think about...

I'm listening to good music right now. Jminus rocks, kids. Check it.

I really really want some funny movies, but Idk what's funny. Any suggestions? I want something clean. I'm sick of all this crap that's only funny because it's perverted. I want to laugh. I think I need to.

I can't wait to move out. I am so excited! My dad and I talked a little about it yesterday. Despite what's going on, it's still going to be built in the "spring". However, I don't know exactly when that is. But hey, I'll wait. I get my own floor. I'll be living on the second story of my mom's studio. Rent free! Because I'll be "watching" her equipment. Still have to pay bills and stuff. So I'm predicting I will have no cable and no unlimited texting. I'll need internet for school, I'm sure. But I'm going to have a hard time paying for all this when I'm going to school. So I'm willing to give up things. Besides, I don't watch tv now, I only watch movies. I'm excited to have my own place just so I can grow my movie collection. Haha. I have no more room here to get anything. I can use the bed I have now, I have a chair, I'll need a couch and that's about it. I'll get new stuff eventually, but I definitely have enough to start out with. Well, I think I'll need a table. Haha. But I'm GREAT with finding deals. I thrift shop a lot.

However, I'm not sure what's going to happen if I get accepted to Ball State ((I find out in one week!!!!)). Because I won't be home. Hmm.

I haven't been able to pick up my guitar lately. And I'm going insane. I did the other day and it was great! But it's hard because everyone's asleep when I finally do have time. and my drums are getting lonely, too.

I also organized the hall closet today, too. I organize when I'm stressed. And I ramble. But going through all my sister's junk is definitely a job in itself. She's such a girly girl. I have no clue where she gets it! She has this glitter hair spray that she has used soo much, it's gone. She bought it less than a month ago. Why do you need glitter in your hair anyways? And makeup. She has more makeup than anyone I've met. She doesn't wear it out or anything ((only because I won't let her)) but she still puts it on for fun. OFTEN. Why? She's only 8! I want to buy her chucks, but she has so many shoes, she keeps them in an old toy box, that the lid won't shut. I can fit in this box, mind you. That's wayyy too many. I have 6 pairs now. Geeze guys you only have two feet. Why do you need so many?

I bought one of those re-usable shopping bags from wal-mart today. Mostly because I had too much stuff and couldn't find a cart. But I have wanted one just because. It is kinda nice. You know, go green and all.

If you are still reading this, you deserve something. A cookie or a sucker. I have both.

Sometimes, It only takes a smile.

Sometimes, it only takes a hug to make someone smile.

Or a letter in the mail.

Or a song suggestion.

Sometimes, it takes merely a word reminding them you care.

I know someone who desperately needs a smile.

Beautiful, broken, world.

If you never had an enemy, would you understand the worth of a friend?

-Warren Barfield

So.

Raise your hand if you've ever seen a girl with makeup.

Raise your hand if you've ever seen a guy look in the mirror.

Raise your hand if you have read a headline on a new diet.

Raise your hand if you have ever defined beauty as being associated with one

or all of the above.

Raise your hand.

Because you have.

I've noticed I have some sort of magnetic pull towards things things with quotes.

Little things:

-Jones Soda bottle caps

-Dove chocolate wrappers

-Fortune Cookies

-Starbucks cups

-Taco Bell sauces

-Valentines conversation hearts

I especially love, and am notorious for doing this:

-Writings quotes on walls and bathroom stalls

-Stickers that say simple things

-One-word letters

Which is maybe why it makes my day every time I drive

through Fountain Square and read

"You Are Beautiful"

on the roof of Dolphin. I LOVE things like that.

I think Beautiful is an amazing word. In fact, I think it's my favorite.

How often do you find true beauty?

How often do you feel truly beautiful?

I adore finding the words "You Are Beautiful" because I know that the word

is getting out! Someone has decided to take it upon themselves to

remind the world just how beautiful they are. Despite the negatives that seem to

be in play all around us, it is a beautiful world.

The only beautiful things are the things that do not concern us

-Oscar Wilde

Lately, a lot of terrible things have been brought to my eye in our world.

Strangely enough, along with noticing those things, I've also noticed what is truly

beautiful.

Like quotes.

Memory.

A child's smile.

Talents.

Light.

Silly things, I suppose.

But I like them.

Yes, there are hardships. There is sin, there is disgusting, heart stabbing things

out there. But that's just how it is. That is a part of this life, and I am sick of

focusing on them! I'm tired of hearing only about the

really good or really bad things in the news. What about the simple stuff?

How many of you know what First Friday is here in Indy?

It's one thing I can count on being there to make me feel surreal. A vacation of

sorts, for me. How many of you know the number of short films created

in a single day? You can Google it. But how many of those

are films that made someone reflect on their life? Made them cry even? Smile?

I have things that mean a lot to me, for little or no reason at all. And so do you.

I challenge you to make a list this week.

Or just tomorrow!

Of some of the simple pleasures in your life that maybe you don't notice.

Or ones that you notice, but others don't.

Here's a tiny part of mine:

Prayer

Stars

Shoelaces

Door handles

Flowers

Simple words

Dollar menu

Work

Internet

Snail mail

Telephone lines

Rocks

Pencils

Thought

Rhythm

Coffee

Medicine

Mailman

Trash bags

Rain

Shower curtains

Socks

Sunglasses

Friends

Gas stations

Enemies

Kids

Paint

Soap

Street signs

Stop lights

Clouds

Buildings

Dirt

Senses

Movies